As a denizen of the online dating world, it’s inevitable that we have seen it all. Our time in the trenches of Adults.co.uk has allowed us to witness some of the silliest and most cliched dating profile pictures. We share them here, in no particular order, as a cautionary tale to you.
Yes, that certainly is a collection of skin and muscle and a below average amount of fat over it. Thanks for devoting your entire profile picture to your abdomen. Everybody has abs, anyway — some just buried more deeply than others.
The sad truth is that people generally want to date other people, not collections of muscle and grisly bits. And how on earth am I supposed to pick a six-pack out of a crowd?
When I was a child, I was told that if the wind changed direction while I was pulling faces, I’d be stuck like that forever. A pout in your dating profile picture reassures me that the legends were all true. I am sure there is a support group out there for adults who have to live with the terrible consequences of childhood face-pulling, who have been worn down by years of triumphant parental I-told-you-so remarks, who have faced serious adversity because they got stuck pulling a silly face. If you are not one of these people, I humbly ask that you refrain from making light of their plight by pulling a pouty face.
Similar to the sin of abs, not showing your face — in favour, most likely, of broadcasting some other body part — has probably the opposite to your intended effect. It’s boring, really, and I don’t want to be the poor person who arrives at the place we agreed to meet for a coffee but can’t find you because all I have to go by is a bared elbow, and cripes, it’s raining and everybody is in long-sleeved gear! Limbs and skin and aesthetically pleasing deposits of fat are great fun, but faces are truly memorable.
Looks aren’t everything. We’re all adults here, so we can agree that they are just one component of what makes a good match. If you have problems with your self-image, that’s a serious issue that deserves a sensitive and nuanced approach — which is why I won’t cover it here. Do whatever makes you feel confident, because confidence is a super attractive quality, but please for the love of all things fun, do NOT make a Where’s Waldo puzzle of your dating profile pic. People just want to see you.
The only exception to this rule is if you are trying to date Carmen Sandiego, in which case your “About Me” should be a cryptic series of clues that only somebody with a fourth grader’s knowledge of geography can solve. The prize: your heart.
Firstly, JJ Abrams is excused from this particular cliche.
Does the lens flare come on an awkward first date with us? Does it squeeze between us at the movies and hog the popcorn while playing innocent? Does it subsequently walk with us on the beach for a sufficiently extended period of time? Would it ask us, haltingly, endearingly nervous as it does so, if we want to make a serious commitment to one another? Will it make promises it has no intention of keeping in order to secure our hearts?
If you can honestly answer yes to any of these, then we’re ready for a polygamous relationship with both you and that garish camera flash. If not, get it out of there. And clean your mirror!